Tales from Twilight Town
by EternalWaltz
Summary: A series of unrelated oneshot parodies, mocking everything from the disgusting flavor of a papou fruit to the inflated cost of sea salt ice cream.


Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts does not belong to me. All of the characters, settings, and plot aspects referenced aren't mine, and I am in no way associated with the franchise.

A/N- This story will be a set of unrelated parody oneshots. The insults aren't meant to be taken seriously, so please, no flames.

Tales from Twilight Town

Chapter One: In Which Sora Gets a Cell Phone

Sora strolled into the electronics store with a lazy swing in his walk and a relaxed set of hands clasped behind his head. With some difficulty, he located the phone section, and spent a good half hour admiring the devices he found there. Pacing up and down the aisle with his ridiculously large feet, Sora began to pout.

"Hmm…which one should I get?"

Sora's musings continued for a good ten minutes, as he agonized over whether getting the _perfect _color was better than having one with the _perfect_ size. And that was before he even began to consider the features, battery life, and whether or not it had "cool" cases. His brain was about to explode.

Finally, Sora couldn't take it anymore. He ran to the corner, rocking back and forth. Donald and Goofy, who'd been timidly following behind their friend, now rushed forward in concern. Donald pressed a feathery hand to Sora's forehead.

"Feels feverish," the bottom heavy duck quacked.

Then the unintelligible muttering commenced. Sora's right eye began twitching, and he whispered, "High-speed internet…front-facing camera…16GB…"

"What's he even saying," inquired the thoroughly confused Goofy, scratching his head for added effect.

"I think," Donald concluded, "that Sora wants the phone that looks like a Dream Eater threw up on it."

Indeed, the phone was rather colorful; a bit _too _colorful. The sloppy mess of bright hues may well have been spray painted on the blinding object. It was hideous. Sora loved it.

"Great idea, Donald!"

As Donald rolled his eyes at Sora's childish response, Sora brightly jumped up, grabbing his two companions by the shoulder and energetically steered them towards the first employee he saw.

"Hey," the Keyblade wielder said, carelessly waving the device back and forth, "can we get this phone for cheap, 'cuz I'm kinda famous."

The employee, with a short mess of blonde hair, and a crooked nametag that read, "CID", glared at them.

Speaking around the toothpick he clutched in teeth, he gruffly said, "Do whatever you want." Cid had been forbidden to smoke or speak profanely in public. Supposedly, it was "bad for business".

"Okay!"

Sora took that to mean that it was free, so he happily skipped out. What good customer service!

As he stepped foot on the cozy streets of Traverse Town, his loyal duck and dog in close pursuit, he popped on his earbuds. How he had managed to install music into his phone within the space of ten seconds, nobody knows. He eagerly cranked the audio to max volume as he began several off-key renditions of his favorite songs.

Donald shuddered. "I thought that all islanders were supposed to be well trained in performing arts. You know, singing and dancing and stuff."

Goofy's uncharacteristic grimace said it all. "I guess this one isn't."

The two were so preoccupied with shutting out the wails of "singing" they heard that they barely noticed the pureblood Heartless that had crept up on them.

They were surrounded by a group of maybe ten or more. They only lasted for about five minutes. Donald had run out of MP, and Goofy had thrown his shield a little too far and was forced to fetch it, like, well, a dog. Donald frantically rummaged through his feathers for his emergency supply of ethers that he had stolen from Sora, and Goofy tripped over his feet trying to catch the Heartless that had fetched his shield, and was now running away with it.

"Sora, come quick," the latter cried.

Alas, their pleas fell on deaf ears. Sora was bobbing his head to the beat with his eyes closed, and was walking further away from them by the second. And then, as fate would have it, he promptly bonked his head on a signpost and fell unconscious.

Donald and Goofy sighed in unison. They wordlessly agreed to use their secret weapon to eliminate the powers of darkness: a lightbulb. They had never shown Sora before, because if he knew that other things brought light to the world too, his self-esteem might go down.

10 minutes later…

Sora's eyes blinked open with a hazy comprehension of the world around him.

He instantly shouted, "RIKU!"

Goofy reluctantly pressed 10 munny into the smug Donald's hand.

"You know, Sora," Donald quipped, smirking, "you don't have to shout out your friend's name _every time_ you wake up."

Sora wasn't listening. "Did he come by while I was asleep? Where is he? Is he okay?" Concern laced his voice.

Goofy surrendered yet another 10 munny to Donald as the duck chortled with glee.

Sora finally came to his senses, and proudly declared, "I guess we'll just have to find him ourselves! Umm…somehow."

Goofy timidly suggested, "We could go to random worlds and ask complete strangers about his whereabouts, before eventually doing grunt work for them, and in the end, never gain any information at all. Our reward will be a, 'Good luck,' and a pat on the back." He said this with a genuine smile.

Sora frowned, confused. "And how would that help us find Riku…?"

"Err, we dunno." Donald unfurled a thick scroll. "But, our contract says that we have to do whatever someone else asks of us, even if we don't get anything in return."

"Well, that sounds like a lot of work," Sora admitted. "We could just do this. He pulled his phone out of a random pocket and dialed Riku's number.

Riku, who was busy wallowing in a corner of darkness and making a list of reasons why he was a terrible person, heard his phone chime. He sighed heavily (, for he was trying to master this art before Kingdom Hearts III). With an air of self-loathing, he picked up the phone.

"Who's this," he muttered darkly into the receiver.

"Hey Riku!"

The aforementioned person gritted his teeth. Sora.

"So, I was wondering, where exactly are you, anyways? I'm about to search the universe for you, but I kinda wanted a little heads up beforehand. Maybe a hint?" The cheerful tone resonated with optimism.

"…You wouldn't understand."

"You could give me a landmark or something…," Sora trailed off uncertainly.

"I'm in…the darkness."

"Well, Riku, every place gets dark at night…so that doesn't help too much."

"…Never mind." Riku began to hang up, before Sora protested.

"Wait! How about we just meet in Hollow Bastion in say, an hour?"

"Fine. I _suppose_ we could. And I hate you, by the way."

"You're my best friend too, Riku!" With a wide grin, Sora ended the call.

He gestured to the rest of his crew. "LET'S GO!"

"Yay…," Donald and Goofy cheered unenthusiastically as they followed their leader to certain doom.

"I bet my munny on the silver-haired one," Donald muttered.

Goofy subtly agreed.

**A/N: Yes, I'm aware that Donald and Goofy probably wouldn't know Sora that well if they've just landed in Traverse Town, but bear with the plot hole. **

**Please excuse my poor idea of humor. Anyways, this turned out to be much longer than I expected, and this will probably be the lengthiest of all the chapters.**


End file.
